Tuesday, 18 November 2014

The Real Reason Facebook Causes One -Third Of Divorces

33% of divorced couples cite Facebook as a reason for their split.

Ah, Facebook. The social networking site that's fast becoming not just a thorn in our backsides, but the bane of our existences. If Facebook isn't selling your private information to companies these days, then it's breaking up happy marriages. What was once a tool for sharing party pics and finding long-lost friends is now the reason behind many divorces — and we're not even going to mention its part in the online stalking of ex-boyfriends, or even current ones for that matter.

A U.K. divorce site found that even in Dec. 2009, 20 percent of "behavior petitions" (which is British lingo for "reasons to file for divorce") contained the word "Facebook" in them, meaning that the site was in some way to blame for the marriage's dissolution. Just a couple of years later, that percentage jumped to 33 percent.

Not surprisingly, the number-one reason why Facebook was at fault in these cases was due to "inappropriate messages to members of the opposite sex." It seems that people have yet to learn to make sexual and flirty comments through personal email as opposed to a Facebook wall for all the world (and significant others) to see.

In cases where the couples had separated, but had yet to divorce, the once happily married folks were turning to Facebook to post nasty comments about each other. Well, if you can't shout how much you hate somebody from the rooftops, you might as well post it on their wall.

The third reason for Facebook being mentioned in these behavior petitions was because of Facebook friends, or rather "friends," who took it upon themselves to rat out spouses who may have been getting a little too friendly on the social media site. You know, because if you're married to Bobby and he's friends with Sally, but you're not friends with Sally, but you're all friends with Lily, then Lily is going to be privy to posts and statuses that you are not — that's why Lily is going to fill you in. Lily is a nice a friend.

Of the 5,000 petitions, only 20 cited Twitter as a reason for marital bliss disaster.

One can't help but wonder exactly what the IQ might be of someone who is either publicly cheating or publicly disparaging their significant other. Neither choice is very sane or discreet, and in the end, the partner using Facebook as if it were a weapon or a meat market is the one who looks like a jackass. But common sense can't be everyone's strong suit.

Guys Say 'I Love You' Without Actually Saying It

Sometimes they don't say it, but they mean it.

Men are mysterious creatures, at least to us ladies. They can be as effusive as women (ok, sometimes), and other times they clam up. And there is one topic that makes men go into silent mode more than any other. And that subject? Love, of course.

Love makes fools of us all, men and women equally. However, women are more prone to expressing their feelings. It's just how we roll. We like to put it all on the table. Men, on the other hand, will sometimes show their love for you in non-verbal gestures. From the way he kisses you to how intently he listens to his posture (of all crazy things), your man is trying to tell you how much you mean to him without actually saying that precious four-letter little word.

But you don't need to keep on wondering, lost in the dark mire of "What does this mean? What did that mean?" when your man does something that feels significant. As ever, YourTango is here to take care of you.

To that end, here are 15 subtle signs that your fella is demonstrating his love for you, neatly arranged for your convenience. Enjoy, and go spread the love!

The 10 Biggest Mistakes Men Make In Relationships

Why breaking any single one of these is enough to keep you single

Last week, I posted an article about the 10 biggest mistakes women make in relationships, and I got a lot of very positive feedback on it. When I posted it, I promised to follow up with a version for the guys and interestingly enough, the lists are about as different as the genders themselves. We all have our own unique challenges related to the way we see and interact with the world around us. The good news is that a lot of it could be avoided if more people became conscious of the huge differences in how men and women navigate the world.

As a relationship coach, I can tell you there are so many ways that otherwise good people mess up intimate relationships. Believe me — I hear them all — but most of them fit into just a few key categories. For simplicity sake, I want to outline some of the most common ones to help guys get their girl and keep her. And the good news is, if you see yourself in some of these examples...it can be turned around if you want to make the effort. After all, if you're married, it sure beats losing half of your stuff, and it can very well make your life a lot more fulfilling in the long run. So here they are in no particular order:

1) You Don't Bring Her Presence
No, not that kind of presents. I'm talking about a gift of another kind. I'm talking about the same qualities that make YOU feel good. You know how it feels when you're grounded, centered and on top of your game? You're crystal clear on who you are and what you want. You say what you mean and you mean what you say. You stand firm and you're unwavering in the face of resistance. Sounds great, right? Well, as good as it feels to you, women who navigate by feminine energy love and crave that even more than you! It's hot, and it literally makes the ladies swoon when you hold that space. It makes them feel safe and protected because she trusts that you have what it takes to be her rock. By the same token, every time you act indecisive, fearful, uncertain, or all over the place, it breaks that connection and makes her lose attraction, untrusting, and even repulsed. This is a HUGE one, guys. It literally can make you...or break you.

2) You Don't Get Or Understand Women
Feminine energy navigates the world via emotion, so sometimes it may appear that she's all over the place: happy one minute and raging the next. You should know that description falls far, far short of the definition of "psycho." While that may be hard to understand when we masculine types navigate by logic and making sense, just trust me when I tell you that you'd do the same if you had her body chemistry.

When you understand that her emotions aren't irritating interruptions to your boring status quo, but instead a welcome diversion that actually livens up your world and brings you the best things in life like passion, fun and excitement, you'll see she actually makes your world better every single day. Face it — left to your own devices, you'd probably work too much and have a lot less to look forward to on a regular basis. Look at it this way: the masculine experience is kind of like a coloring book drawing: clear, simple, bold outlines that are fine standing alone on their own. However,they are totally lacking in tone, depth, dimension or color of any kind. But then the feminine energy brings all the colors of the rainbow to it and it becomes brighter, more vibrant and even radiant. Sure every now and then, the darker colors come out and they may even color outside the lines, but it does make life more interesting. Approach it this way and you'll have a whole new appreciation for all the gifts your lady can bring to your world.

3) You Might Actually Be Scared Of Her Or Intimidated By Her
I hate to even bring this one up, but some of you know it's true so let's just get it out of the way. Guys tend to want to be in control and the truth of the matter is...feminine energy is all about flow. Men can't really hold back the "flow" of the tides, and feminine energy can't effectively be controlled long-term either. Tougher guys than you have tried to control it but it doesn't work. A smart man knows how to channel that energy instead. Sometimes it's like a storm. It can be a perfectly beautiful day, and the next thing you know, the clouds appear, the skies get dark and all hell breaks loose. Rather than controlling it, you ride it out, respect it, and know it's all part of the cycle of life. There's no sunshine without rain; no happiness without grief; no black without white. The good news is that on the other side of the storm, the sun comes back out, and life is beautiful again.

4) You Made Something (Or Someone) Else More Important Than Her
Feminine energy responds to adoration and praise. She needs your attention and the presence we already talked about. A compliment and your conscious focus will light her up from the inside and you will get to bask in the glow of her beautiful feminine radiance. On the other hand, because masculine energy tends to be single-focused, targeted and and an inseparable part of who you are as a man...you will, on occasion, ignore her, overlook her and maybe even take her for granted while your attention is elsewhere. This is to be expected; especially when it comes to work and providing for her – but just know that like all things – it has to be balanced. Remember: any time you fail to make her feel special and put something or someone else ahead of her for an extended time...trouble is on the horizon. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

5) You're Oblivious To Her Feelings
Now that you know that feminine energy navigates the world via emotion, you'll need to learn to become consciously aware of how that works or you will struggle in relationships with women. Those are your choices so choose carefully. I hate to see someone lose half their stuff in order to get that lesson so believe me, it pays to get outside of your own self-absorbed viewpoint and be cognizant of how your partner is feeling.

Do you remember that "single-focused" aspect to men that we already discussed...especially when it comes to work? That's where a lot of the trouble starts in this area but it is a learned skill. By the way, notice I didn't say you had to "fix" her emotions. They don't need to be fixed — even though we all think we need to fix problems. You just have to notice them, acknowledge them, and ride them out with her while you support her. That's not so hard, right?

6) You Either Didn't Build Trust — Or You Broke It
This is an area where men struggle quite a bit due to several factors. We're logical while they're emotional so we tend to be way less committed, especially early on. By the same token, feminine energy tends to think she's in a "relationship" far sooner than men because she processes emotionally. That combination of logic and lack of early commitment often leads to men looking at other options rather quickly. Whatever mitigating factors may exist, the fact remains that trust is critical for a great relationship. Once it's compromised or even threatened, it is difficult for two parties to regain it. So whenever possible, I urge you to proceed in this area with caution.

7) You're Too Wishy-Washy And Made Her Feel Unsafe
This is the flip side of the presence I talked about in item number one. As intoxicating as a strong, present man can be, a wishy-washy guy who's all over the place can be positively repulsive. It's a huge turn-off and for good reason. Feminine energy's number one need at all costs is to feel "safe." She can't feel safe at all if she's with a spineless, jellyfish of a guy that she can push around. She may ACT like she wants to call the shots herself all the time the truth is, it is absolutely exhausting for a feminine woman to live in her masculine energy for that long. Do both of you a favor and step up into being the kind of man she can rely on to look after what's best for both of you. Trust me— if you do this, you'll both thank me for it.

8) You're Too Self-Absorbed 
Masculine energy is heavily predisposed and wired to pursue his mission and achieve goals. He displays his value by his ability to solve problems and fix things. As a result, oftentimes, his needs are met on the most consistent basis through his work or career. In fact, one of the biggest red flags of a relationship in trouble is a man who spends a lot of time at work — not because he may be having an affair — but simply because his needs are being met primarily in the sphere of work and not in his relationship. As I said in mistake number four, any time you put work or anything else ahead of your relationship for an extended time, trouble is on the horizon. Honestly, if you're not willing to make the effort to manage your work/life balance, you're essentially being unfair to both a potential partner and yourself.

9) You Don't See The Value Of what she can bring to you
Usually when someone is far more interested in work, recreational activities or maybe even hobbies, for instance, the truth is they are simply living in alignment with their deepest values. Relationships—or at least the one you may be in at that moment —simply don't measure up to the payoff you're getting in other areas. People will always invest their energy where they feel they get the biggest payoff. A man who is inspired and supported in his mission by his woman will find a way to have both, but it's up to him to prove he has the bandwidth to support both. Guys, you can get all the promotions and raises you want—or land the huge deals that really get your heart pumping—but the question I have for you is...how rewarding is it really if you don't have someone special to celebrate your victories with at the end of the day?

10) You Don't Know What You Want Out Of Life Or You Don't Have Room For Her
It's my hope that after reading this article on the 10 mistakes men make, you'll start to focus less on old mistakes from the past, and instead focus more on the new information I've shared and how to turn it all around. The simplest answer is that if you've had more pain than joy from your relationships in the past, and it stands to reason that you wouldn't exactly be in a hurry to try again, but that's just the pain and fear talking. No matter what you decide, the reality is that your knowledge, awareness and efforts are creating the life you're leading, whether you like it or not. The truth is that we can all only get so far by ourselves. As you'll likely hear at many weddings, the beauty of marriage or relationships in general are that you get to multiply the joy in life and divide the pain when you meet the right one for you. Whatever decision you make, I support that as the right one for you at this time.

Guys, I hope this list not only makes sense to you, but also serves as an "a-ha" moment of sorts that can turn it all around for you in the area of relationships. You should know that a huge part of what I do in my mission is help women understand and work more effectively with men. The reason why is that I know the greatness that can be unleashed in a good man by a good woman who simply gets him and adores him. I know that inside the heart of every man lies the soul of a little boy who dreamed of one day being a hero. I also know that hero is alive and well inside of you right now. He's just waiting to be fully unleashed by an amazing woman who wants, needs, and deeply desires him. If I can help you create a relationship like that, I'd be honored to serve you. Just say the word.

Why Does My Only Text Me?

To some women, not calling and just texting is a red flag. They want to know if there was something

I’ve had some girl pals asking me whether it was ok if their guy just wants to text. They keep on repeating the same question, “Why does he only text me?”

To some women, not calling and just texting is a red flag. They want to know if there was something wrong with either him or them.  Well, let’s try to answer that question.

First and foremost, the only person who can truly answer if “act A” is OK with you is you. It’s not that you can’t trust others and their opinions but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, you are the one who will face the consequences so you should take into consideration what you think and then decide.

So let’s go back to the part about men and texting.

Quick question, have you visited your favorite coffee shop or restaurant lately and seen groups of men huddled up in one table while talking to other people on their phones? Well, the answer would most likely be a big “NO”.

Here’s the thing, men don’t get the same kind of high that women get when they talk to their significant others over the phone. Men, in general are outcome driven, they call or text for a purpose.

“Hey, I had a swell time last week. Want to hang out tomorrow?”

Men text like that. Direct to the point. No run arounds. No beating around the bush. It works and it takes very little effort. Please note that this does not mean that men don’t like talking to their ladies over the phone every once in a while. It’s essential but men won’t really see it as a priority in a relationship.

Also, texting might be the only way a shy guy can communicate with a girl. Remember not to let it get in the way on your end. Maybe he sees texting as the only way he can show interest to you without putting himself out there. If he doesn’t really like you, he can always opt to not text you, right?
So the fact that he is texting is him showing interest. You'd be suprised just how many men have an anxiety when it comes to the fear of rejection which causes them to go into their caves and communicate with you in a more passive manner. Hey men love safety too!

To wrap things up, if a guy chooses to text you instead of calling you it does not mean that there is something wrong, or that he doesnt like you. There is nothing wrong whenever you ask “why does he only text me?” every time but you have to recognize all of the things mentioned above. It’s not all bad. As a matter of fact, it might mean that you are on to something great. You have to be a little bit patient over time as his confidence boost and your relationship gets stronger he will call you. 

10 Tips For A Stress-Free Holiday Season

The holiday season can be be stressful. These 10 tips will help you relax and make the most of it.

Most of us look forward to the holiday season. It is a time to be together with loved ones, give and receive heartfelt gifts and share important traditions. Of course, it can also be a time of stress. Routines are interrupted. Finances are stretched. Decorating, parties and finding the perfect gift require time and attention which may be in short supply as we attempt to meet our everyday responsibilities. Sometimes juggling it all can be overwhelming!

I created this list of ten ways to beat the stress of the holiday season. Hopefully at least one of these tips will help you find the joy, peace and goodwill we think of when envisioning the holidays.

1. Take a walk. The great outdoors can help clear your head when thoughts are racing. Exercise improves well-being.

2. Listen to music. Favorite songs evoke positive emotions; music can take us away from the present.

3. Talk to a supportive friend. Whether you discuss a problem that is bothering you or simply reach out to hear a familiar voice, supportive friends are a great source of comfort.

4. Cuddle with a pet. Pets never judge. They love you no matter what.

5. Laugh! Watch a favorite TV show or movie. Speak with a friend who makes you laugh. Read a funny book. Laughter is free and you can do it almost anywhere!

6. Use aromatherapy. Lavender oil promotes balance. Orange oil is cheering. Find the essential oil that brings you a sense of contentment.

7. Stretch. Stretching improves flexibility, reduces stress and anxiety and promotes better posture.

8. Meditate. Meditation reduces stress, increases awareness and lessens the impact of negative emotions.

9. Sing! Singing lowers stress, reduces anxiety and promotes positive emotions.

10. Breathe. Remember that this moment is temporary. If you find that your stress is more than you can handle or is interfering with your day to day life, reach out for help! You aren't alone.

Best wishes for a happy and healthy holiday season and a joyful New Year!

Thinking About Finding A Therapist?

Check out this video I created which offers examples of how therapy can help.

Thinking about starting therapy but not sure where to begin? Check out this video I made. When you have been struggling with something for a while, talking with an objective professional can really help you see a different perspective. Let me know what you think in the comments

Top 10 Tips For Building Loving Relationships

Tips for turning new, premarital or broken, into successful relationships.

How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? Where did we learn? At home? At school? There is an art and science to building strong relationships. These indispensable tips were written with romantic relationships in mind, but with a little modification you can apply them to your friendships, family and even work relationships.

10 Tips For Building Loving Relationships
Love Chalkboard
Create a safe environment for sharing.
Love Chalkboard 'I Love U' Keys Bear Love Two heart balloons Love pages Tape Recording

1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid: Don't interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don't make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you're too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe, and "calm down." Remember: your partner is not the enemy.

2. Separate the facts from the feelings: What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I'm seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What's the real truth? Once you're able to differentiate facts from feelings, you'll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity. Loving Your Body, Loving Yourself

3. Connect with the different parts of yourself: Each of us is not a solo instrument. We're more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your 'gut' saying? For example: My mind is saying ‘definitely leave her,' but my heart says 'I really love her.' Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self. Mindfulness: The Art of Cultivating Resilience

4. Develop Compassion: Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don't have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.

5. Create a "we" that can house two "I's": The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self, compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual "I" contributes to the creation of a "we" that is stronger than the sum of its parts. Stress Management: Balancing Work And Love

More Juicy Content From YourTango:

  1. Celebrity Family Relationships That Are Very Strange
  2. Great Love Advice From YourTango
  3. Do's And Don'ts: Using Technologies In A Relationship

6. Partner, heal thyself: Don't expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don't try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself. 3 Ingredients For A Healthy Relationship

7. Relish the differences between you: The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don't need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they're often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

8. Ask questions: All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners' behavior means. For example: "She doesn't want to cuddle; she must not really love me anymore." We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self — heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what's not being said — the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken. 3 Ways Being Needy Will Ruin Your Relationships

9. Make time for your relationship: No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making "playdates" and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow. 4 Steps To Finding Love

10. Say the "hard things" from love: Become aware of the hard things that you're not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you're feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.
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